


my whole life's like some test

by slnkingboat



Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, M/M, lots and lots of angst, this is another one that i wrote a while ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-01 23:11:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14531439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slnkingboat/pseuds/slnkingboat
Summary: Basically just Jeremy's inner monologue about everything that happens between him and the cute boy playing Hanschen Rilow (which may or may not end in a kiss).





	my whole life's like some test

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this is another one that I already posted on Tumblr last week; I'm just trying to get it all up on here. Enjoy!

Jeremy Travers is not the most outspoken person you’ll ever meet.  He’s not one to shout his feelings from the rooftops, and he’s certainly not one to actively chase down what he wants.  He’s always been content living in the background.  And to be fair, it’s gotten him pretty far.

But ever since the beginning of Spring Awakening - ever since he met Simon Saunders - he’s realized that hiding in the shadows isn’t going to cut it anymore.

Some days he wishes he had never signed up to audition.  Some days he wishes that he had never eagerly agreed to be Ernst.  Because maybe if he hadn’t done that, things would be different.  He likes to tell himself that he auditioned because he likes theater.  Jeremy saw that Stanton Drama was going in a more exciting direction than usual (seriously, no one wants to sit through yet another high school production of Grease), and he told himself that it was something he wanted to be a part of.

It certainly had nothing to do with the cute boy who had already been cast as Hanschen.   _That_ was just a bonus.

If he hadn’t auditioned, he wouldn’t have ended up on stage, face-to-face with Simon.  He never would’ve felt his heart do a nose dive at the sight of those dark brown eyes.  He never would’ve felt such a rush at the sound of the words “and then you’ll kiss”.

But from that day on, Jeremy knows that he has to do something.  When Simon blows him off to go do God knows what, it feels like someone just punched him in the face.  When Annabelle tells him that she had gone on a date with Simon, it feels even worse.  And every time that Jeremy ses Simon, it feels like a small explosion is going off in the pit of his stomach.  It’s all slowly tearing him apart.  He can’t just sit around and do nothing about it anymore.

It’s not like Jeremy’s convinced he’s straight.  He’s had his doubts for a while, and the daily feeling of wanting to grab Simon Saunders and kiss him pretty much eliminates that option.  But it’s still a difficult thing to come to terms with, and Jeremy knows that however hard it is for him, it has to be a thousand times worse for Simon.

So he lets the other boy take his time.  He lets Simon go on dates with Annabelle and avoid eye contact with him in the hallway.  He lets him slip through his fingertips because he keeps hoping that, one day, Simon’ll wake up and realize what’s really going on.

That day never comes.  Jeremy has to keep smiling and pretend he’s supportive of Annabelle constantly gushing about how wonderful Simon is.  He tries to say hi to Simon, but every time he does, the other boy just gives him a fake smile and turns around.  It gets to a point where every time he sees Simon Saunders and his impressive collection of sweaters and his beautiful brown eyes, he has to look away as fast as possible or else he’ll physically start to crumble.

Rehearsals are the worst.  Hearing Simon sing is torture; he’s just so god damn _talented_.  Sometimes Jeremy feels like it’s impossible to even be in the same room with him when he’s singing.  He lights up the stage in a way that no one else seems to know how, and Jeremy can’t keep his eyes off of him.  He tries, he really does.  He tries to focus on his lines or the choreography, but no matter what he’s doing, he’s always drawn back to Simon.

It wouldn’t have all bothered Jeremy so much if he didn’t think that Simon felt the same way he did.  Normally, Jeremy would have shut up and told himself to get over it.  But ever since the first time they rehearsed their scene together - the first time Simon leaned in close and looked him in the eye - he’s just had this feeling that they had something.  He figures that’s why Simon always acts like he’s afraid to look at him.  Not to mention the rumor mill that seems to be going about Simon’s sexuality.  Apparently people have been questioning for a while, but it appears that no one is buying into his new relationship with Annabelle.  Jeremy wants to ask his friends if they sense the spark between himself and Simon.  He wants to ask them if he’s not imagining things.  But he can’t.  Because, for Simon’s sake, no one can know.

Every day is a battle, and it all keeps building inside of Jeremy, until one day, he can’t take it anymore.

He chases Simon through the parking lot, and there’s a voice in his head telling him he’s insane.  He can hear the words he’s saying out loud, but he’s not sure where they’re coming from.  When Simon says the words “I can’t”, Jeremy wants to pull his hair out.  He can see it in Simon’s eyes.  He can see the reflection of his own despair.  

He’s not completely sure if he kisses him just to knock some sense into him.  That would be the most logical explanation.  Or maybe he kissed him because he didn’t know when they were ever going to be this close to each other again.  Most of all, though, Jeremy thinks he just couldn’t stop himself.  He knew deep down that if he had to go another day without kissing Simon Saunders, he wasn’t going to make it.

Simon kisses him back.

That’s the part that really sends him into a panic.  He doesn’t count on Simon kissing back.  The minute their lips touch, he’s already bracing himself for the backlash of his stupid decision.  But instead, it feels like they’re communicating all the things they would never be able to say out loud.  The kiss feels like Simon’s begging for him to understand how much he wants this.

It ends too soon.  Simon throws himself in his car and drives away, and Jeremy can still feel the other boy’s lips on his.  He can still smell Simon; his fingertips are tingling from where they touched his shoulder.  Now he knows he’s not crazy.  He knows that what they have is magic.  Because that’s all he can feel right now.  Magic.

Jeremy knows that not everything is going to be perfect from there on out.  He understands that the kiss is probably sending Simon into turmoil, but he would be lying if he said he doesn’t think things will change.  

Unfortunately, things don’t change.  Things just get worse.  Simon won’t even look at him now, and every time they rehearse their scene, Jeremy feels like he’s being repeatedly stabbed in the heart.  Simon’s touch is so gentle.  When he softly holds Jeremy’s hand and presses it to his lips, Jeremy can’t help but smile at him like the lovestruck idiot he’s become.

Simon does not talk about the kiss.  Not once.  Jeremy begins to think he had imagined it until the moment when he finally confronts Simon.  Jeremy never wanted to get angry at Simon; how could he be angry at such a perfect boy?  But he knows that to the rest of the world, Simon is not perfect in the slightest.  So he takes a deep breath and tries to talk to him.

It feels like Simon is tuning him out.  Trying to talk to him about their kiss may as well have been the same as trying to talk to a child with their fingers in their ears.  He’s not listening; he’s denying everything.  Once Jeremy hears the words “ _you_ kissed _me_ ”, he knows that he physically can’t take it anymore.  

A part of him understands that it’s unreasonable to ask Simon not to touch him, since it’s impossible to do the scene otherwise.  But he doesn’t know how else to make Simon understand what he’s feeling.  He doesn’t know how else to make all of this stop.

It hurts like hell to storm away from him.  It hurts even more to turn the other direction on stage and pretend like he doesn’t want to give Simon the whole world.  Jeremy finds himself shutting everybody out, even his friends.  And no one seems to notice how much he’s crumbling.  He finds out that he’s quite good at putting on a smile for the rest of the world when he feels like all of his insides are shrivelling up.

It gets to a point where he’s ready to drop out of the show.  He knows that he only signed up for Simon, and now that he ruined that, there’s no point anymore.  The only scenes that his character has are with Simon.  It hurts too much.  Besides, he’s convinced that Mr. Mazzu is about to kick him out anyways.  His acting is terrible.  He knows that even if he tried to pretend to be in love with Simon, he wouldn’t be able to go through with it.

The day comes when Jeremy knows he has to do it.  They’re scheduled to run the whole second act, including his scene with Hanschen.  He decides that as soon as the rehearsal’s over, he’s going to tell Lou he’s quitting.  That is, if he makes it through the evening.  He doubts that’ll be the case.  How could he, with Simon always being so perfect?

But something’s wrong with Simon.  That much is obvious.  Jeremy’s inner dialogue about his miserable life comes to halt when he sees the look on the other boy’s face.  He looks destroyed, as if just one word from anybody would send him right over the edge.  He’s staring at the ground with his arms wrapped around his stomach, and he looks like he’s about to start crying.  Jeremy fights the urge to talk to him.  He wants to know what’s happening, but he also knows that he’s probably the last person Simon wants to talk to.

So he just goes about the rehearsal as normal.  He sings all of his chorus parts dutifully, and he stands in the wings for a while, watching the leads receive direction after direction.  Simon doesn’t get any better.  Jeremy can’t help but keep an eye on him.  He wants so desperately not to care, but the fact that Simon was in pain was eating him up inside.  He wants nothing more than to make all of his problems go away.

When they take their places for their scene, Jeremy’s never felt more afraid in his life.  He reminds himself that this is the last time they’ll ever have to do this.  After tonight, Simon can kiss some straight boy who isn’t going to lose it every time they so much as look at him.

When he makes eye contact with the other boy, he can see that Simon is pleading with him.  And he wants to give in; he truly does.  He wants to surrender and let Simon Saunders slowly ruin him.  He wants to let the other boy hold his hand and pretend to kiss him and do everything that they used to do.  But he’s trying to prove a point.  He’s trying to move on; and giving up like that isn’t going to help.

He looks away and delivers all his lines to the floor.  He tries to ignore how shaky Simon’s voice is.  He pretends not to hear how much Simon is struggling to hit the notes that are usually a piece of cake for him.  He just shuts his eyes and waits for it to be over.

The scene is a disaster, and everyone can tell.  Simon can’t sing his part, Jeremy’s voice is devoid of emotion, and there’s no connection whatsoever.  When they finally finish, after what feels like an eternity, Mr. Mazzu stands up and starts to speak.  Jeremy can tell he’s trying to be kind about what he says, but it’s very obvious that finding anything good about their performance is near impossible.

Simon leaves the stage.  Jeremy watches him push past the rest of the troupe and disappear.  He sees the hurt look on Lilette’s face as her best friend walks straight past her.  In a split second decision, Jeremy realizes he doesn’t have anything else to lose.  So he follows Simon into the greenroom.

He’s never seen Simon look so small.  The boy is sitting on one of the couches, crouched over and hugging himself.  It looks like he’s shaking, and the sight of it all pushes Jeremy to his breaking point.  His heart breaks as he watches Simon struggle.  He pulls out a nearby chair and sits across from him.  Then he waits.  He’s not sure what he’s waiting for.  But he waits.

Simon doesn’t need to look up to know who it is.  “You hate me, right?” he mumbles.

Jeremy is so taken aback that he doesn’t answer.  He doesn’t know how to tell Simon how far from the truth that is.  Jeremy’s pretty sure that nothing Simon could ever do would make him hate him.  

“I’m so sorry,” says Simon, and his voice breaks.  

“For what?” Jeremy asks softly, finally finding his own voice.

Then Simon looks up at him, and Jeremy has to stop himself from audibly gasping.  The image of the broken boy in front of him practically rips his heart in two.  His eyes seem darker than usual; there are tear stains on his cheeks.  Jeremy feels as though his whole body is trembling just looking at him.

Simon takes a shaky breath, wipes his face with the back of his hand, and says, “Ever since we started the show, I have these feelings, and I feel like if I ever opened up to them, it’d just blow up my family.”  He pauses.  “And they’re my family, you know?”

And then, in a sudden epiphany, Jeremy realizes how selfish he’s been.  It never mattered how upset he was.  Simon was the one struggling all this time, and for Jeremy to shut him out like that was unfair.  He’s not going to quit the musical.  He’s not going to give Simon the cold shoulder.  To do any of those things would be only for him and no one else.  He can’t live his life like that.

Jeremy slowly stands up and moves to sit next to Simon on the couch.  He’s scared to death.  “I understand,” he says quietly.  “You don’t have to do anything.  We don’t have to do anything.”  The words he’s saying feel like daggers to his heart; he wants to do so much with Simon.  It takes all the control in the world to say otherwise.

“I couldn’t do it,” Simon whispers.

Jeremy has no idea what he’s talking about.  “Do what?”

“Have sex with Annabelle.  I tried, and I couldn’t do it.”

Jeremy feels like the room is spinning.  “Oh,” he says dumbly.

And then Simon’s crying, and Jeremy doesn’t know what to do.  Tears slowly start to run down his face, and he leans forward to put his head in his hands.  His body is shaking again; he looks like a disaster.   _A beautiful disaster_ , Jeremy thinks.  Very carefully, Jeremy reaches out and puts a hand on Simon’s back.  He rubs back and forth, trying to calm the boy down and trying not to freak him out at the same time.

When Simon doesn’t pull away from his touch, Jeremy feels a bit more adventurous and reaches out his other arm to hold Simon.  The boy just falls into him, crying into his shoulder.  Jeremy holds him tightly and slowly continues to rub his back.  They sit like that, in each other’s arms, frozen in time.  Jeremy doesn’t need anything else.  He stays as still as possible and lets Simon cry.

Eventually Simon’s breathing evens out and he sits up.  Jeremy keeps a hesitant hand on his back.  He doesn’t say a word.  Simon takes one deep breath and then says, “We…we can’t be what you want us to be.”  His voice is slightly hoarse; Jeremy wishes he could hug him some more, but he’s very afraid of pushing his luck.  He’s aware that everything they do from now on will be on Simon’s terms.

“I know,” Jeremy replies.  “I promise I won’t do anything to make you uncomfortable.  I’m…I’m sorry I’ve been so persistent.  It’s just…”  His voice trails off as he realizes he probably shouldn’t be thinking out loud.

“What?” Simon asks.

For a moment, Jeremy’s quiet.  He just slowly draws circles on Simon’s back and thinks carefully about what he wants to say.  “I just have so many feelings for you, Simon, and I don’t know how to make them go away.  I never meant to hurt you, but I can’t be around you.  It’s killing me; it’s absolutely killing me, you have no idea - ”

His words are abruptly cut off by the feeling of Simon’s lips on his.  It’s slow and it’s soft and it’s full of fear, but at the same time, it’s the most glorious thing Jeremy’s ever felt.  He knows instantly that this was meant to be.  This boy was supposed to be right here; their lips were always meant to collide like this.  They fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.  In that one brief kiss, Jeremy realizes that everything is going to be okay.  He has Simon, and Simon has him.

In this world, nothing else matters.


End file.
